


On the outside

by preciousbunnynoiz



Series: Love doesn't fix all but can help [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Blood, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 13:52:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9551771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousbunnynoiz/pseuds/preciousbunnynoiz
Summary: Victor catches Yuri self harming.





	

The static was too loud.

Yuri’s hands clenched at the kitchen worktop. He’d been so good lately, he’d thrown himself into training and his relationship with Victor that it had kept this itching under his skin away…mostly.

There had been times before this, even after Victor came into his life, but not this bad. He hadn’t been this bad since Detroit. Everything was loud. Even the colours in the flat, muted and grey as they were, were overwhelming.

He was ugly.

He was bad.

He was worthless.

He needed an outward expression.

He needed a physical sign on the outside that showed how ugly he was on the inside.

The timing was perfect.

Victor was taking Makkachin for a walk.

He could be quick.

Yuri couldn’t hear anything over the static in his head as he grabbed sharp knife from the drawer and clenching his teeth he pushed the blade against his arm and pulled. The line of crimson that followed and the sharp pain brought a momentary relief.

He did it again. This time deeper.

It hurt more.

Was more satisfying.

He was breathing through his nose and bringing the blade against his arm for the third time when he heard a wordless shout and he was encased by arms. One of which was prying the knife out of his hand.

Ah.

Victor had come home.

He’d seen everything.

It was over.

Yuri didn’t say anything or resist as the knife was taken away, nor when he was moved to sit on the couch.

He kept his head down and stared at the floor refusing to talk or even look at Victor while the other man cleaned and dressed his arm.

He didn’t want to see Victor upset over worthless trash like him.

It was stupid.

Victor was stupid.

Victor should send him back to Japan and marry someone who wasn’t broken.

Yuri couldn’t say any of that.

He waited until Victor had finished dressing his arm and then stood abruptly.

“I’m going to bed.” Was all he said before leaving his lover in the living-room. If he had stayed he would have had to explain. To comfort him and the last thing Yuri wanted to do, could do, was comfort someone else right now.

He undressed robotically and climbed under the covers but didn’t close his eyes. He just stared off into the distance.

After a while he could hear Victor talking in Russian. He was probably calling someone to tell them all of Yuri’s problems. Probably booking him a flight back to Japan.

That was fine.

Victor could be happy then.

He didn’t look up when he heard Victor come into the room.

Nor did he move when he felt his weight on the bed.

He tensed when Victor wrapped his arms around him and didn’t relax like he normally would.

In fact, it wasn’t until Makkachin came in and, with a whine, licked his hand that he broke.

The tears came in harsh gasping sobs that tore from the middle of his chest, causing him to curl up into a foetal position. He felt Victor’s arms hold him closer and a hand petting his hair as he sobbed. The tall Russian making soothing sounds as he waited for the storm to pass.

Eventually the crying stopped and Yuri no longer felt numb, or full of static and the wounds on his arms hurt.  He could feel the dampness on his shoulder as Victor tried to smother his own tears for Yuri’s sake.

“I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I never meant for you to find out and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m broken. I’m sorry I’m such a burden and a problem. I’m so so sorry.” Yuri whimpered, his eyes closed as he clung to Victor’s arms.

“Shhh, you’re not a burden or a problem or broken. I’m sorry I didn’t know it was this bad.” Victor answered before gently urging Yuri to face him. Reluctantly Yuri did, but he couldn’t meet Victor’s gaze and instead focused on his fiancé’s chest. They lay there in silence for a bit with Victor’s hands rubbing gently up and down Yuri’s spine.

“How long has this been going on for?” Victor asked finally.

Yuri thought about lying but he couldn’t lie to Victor. Not about this. He’d see through it.

“Since I was 7.” He whispered.  Victor’s hands stilled for a moment before resuming their journey up and down Yuri’s back.

“Has anyone ever caught you or noticed it before?” Victor continued in the same calm voice.

Yuri shook his head.

“How come?” The question startled Yuri who glanced up at Victor’s face.  He saw worry and concern but not pity and not disgust. It gave him courage.

“I don’t usually cut” Yuri explained softly, “No one notices a few extra bruises if you’re a dancer or a figure skater. So normally I use a hairbrush on my thigh rather than a knife on my arm.”

“Have you been doing this often since we got together?” One of Victor’s hands moved from Yuri’s back to card through the Japanese man’s black hair.  Yuri shook his head slightly.

“No, since you’ve shown up in my life I’ve only hurt myself a handful of times” Yuri told him, his hands grabbing at Victor’s shirt.

“But you’ve cut before haven’t you. Those scars around your wrist aren’t from a fall are they?” Yuri winced at that even though Victor’s tone was not accusatory. It was still gentle and after a moment Yuri nodded.

“When did it happen?”

Yuri took a deep breath and pulled on Victor’s shirt to find courage.

“Detroit. Once before finals when I was really stressed and…” Yuri turned his left arm to stare at the faint lines on the inside of his wrist before letting go of Victor’s shirt and holding the hand up, wrist facing Victor. “Once…after Sochi…after I failed at the Grand Prix. I…I was in a very dark place and it felt like I only had one way out. But I couldn’t force myself to cut deep enough and the shallow cuts managed to cut through some of the pain…so I only bled a little. About as bad as you’d get from a cat scratch which is what I told Phichit.”

Yuri still didn’t feel brave enough to look at Victor but the man always surprised him and he took the hand out of Yuri’s hair to gently grab Yuri’s left hand and bring his lips to the scar.

“What can I do to help?” that question startled Yuri again and he looked up at Victor, a little dumbfounded.

“Why waste your time trying to help trash like me?” he answered before he could filter his response and then he was enveloped into a tight hug.

“You aren’t trash.” Victor didn’t shout but his tone left no room for argument.

“But…” Yuri began anyway.

“No buts! You aren’t trash and I care about you because I love you. I want to help. I just…I don’t understand why you would hurt yourself.” Victor said still holding Yuri tightly.

“…I wanted someone one see it.” Yuri admitted both to Victor and himself.

“What?” it made sense that Victor was confused by that. It didn’t make sense to Yuri either…he tried to think about what he was feeling when he hurt himself.

“Outside of that one time I don’t think I ever really thought about killing myself but hurting myself… That was to make the pain I felt inside be on the outside. I couldn’t tell anyone I was hurting but I wanted people to see that I was…but no one ever did and the pain became both a way to show how I hurt inside and a way to relieve the pain. Make it dissipate.” Yuri explained and looked at Victor with wide hopeless eyes.

“Okay…” Victor ran his hand up and down Yuri’s back once, twice, three times, “Okay here’s what’s going to happen. First off if you get this urge to hurt yourself in anyway tell me anyway you can. Tell me, write it down, but let me know before you hurt yourself and I’ll do what I can to help. Second, you need to see a counsellor or a therapist or something. No, don’t make that face. You can’t keep living like this Yuri. I called Yakov because I know he’s had students who’ve struggled with this sort of thing before and he’s going to book a reputable one who understands athletes and their needs and if that one is no good we keep searching until we find one you do like. I’m sorry about telling Yakov but I needed advice and he is good at being discreet about this sort of thing.” Victor told Yuri firmly but with a gentle smile on his lips.

“If he’s so good at being discreet how do you know he’s had students with similar problems?” Yuri asked suspiciously. Victor gave him a slight sad smile.

“I may have been one of them. I didn’t self-harm but I was self-destructive. I was drinking way too much far too often and training until I had a major accident and then I started drinking more. Yakov felt I needed help and he was right. I ran into a few other skaters there and we ended up chatting about our problems as the weeks went on.” Victor told him holding him close.

“I hate myself Victor.” Yuri ducked his head and rested it against Victor’s chest as he admitted the truth.

“I know sweetheart, I wish you didn’t.” Victor told him.

“I need help.” That took even more courage than admitting he hated himself.

“I know sweetheart and we’ll get you that help.  Yakov has let me have the next two days off and has said I can go with you to your appointment if you want.” Victor replied placing a kiss on the top of Yuri’s head.

“I’d like that.” Yuri said in a small voice.

“Okay. We’ll get through this and you’ll be okay.” Victor told him.

For once Yuri thought maybe he could believe someone when they said that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yuri's method of hitting himself with a hair brush until he bruises and the early age he started self harming is based on my experiences with self harm.
> 
> As are his reasons for doing so. 
> 
> It's weird because when I had self harmed I both really wanted people to notice and help me but at the same time really didn't want anyone to notice which is what I'm giving to Yuri.
> 
> Btw I haven't self harmed in a really long time and even though I get the occasional desire to now I'm able to ask for help when I get like that. If you self harm please seek help.


End file.
